Like It Was
by writergirl96
Summary: If I hadn't been so determined that he was going to stay because that's what he promised me when we were in Phoenix, I could have seen the signs. But I couldn't. So I didn't. So here I am now.


_This is kind of a weird story that for some reason, took me like six months to write. I was going through a break-up as I was writing this and wasn't even able to look at it for awhile but then one night, I sat down and I was just able to write. It is how I feel things would have gone if Jacob had never entered the picture. I know that my timeline is a little different. I really enjoyed writing this and experiencing how deep Bella's pain really was while Edward was gone. Hope you guys can enjoy. _

::

If I hadn't been so blinded by the way that he made me feel, maybe I would have been able to see that he was leaving. If I hadn't been so determined that he was going to stay because that's what he promised me when we were in Phoenix, I could have seen the signs. But I couldn't. So I didn't. So here I am now.

::

The bedspread is purple and it is ugly. Charlie bought it for me before I came, expecting that since I was a teenage girl I would love it. I pick at its wearing threads, debating on throwing it out but knowing that I never will because it is in these sheets that he has lain with me. There aren't too many things that I can look back at now and know that he has touched them since he has taken everything, so the few that I have I hold close. Like this bedspread, the blue blouse that hangs in my closet, unworn, but he always said that it complimented my eyes so I keep it.

And I know that is what has me locked in this town, more trapped than I have ever been. Because even though I know that he is never coming back here, that there is nothing here for him anymore, this is the only place that I ever knew him so I find that I cannot leave.

::

There are things that I try not to look at. Things I try so hard to not see, to forget about, and to ignore. Sometimes I am successful, sometimes I am not. I try not to see my reflection in the mirror, because the girl with her pale face and hollowed out eyes is not me anymore but I am her. I know her thoughts, I know her pain, and I feel her trembling in the middle of the night after she wakes up after a nightmare. I feel the cold sweat that breaks out across her back when she sees that lunch table, with nobody sitting at it.

I don't look out into those woods behind my house, ever. There is too much of a chance that I will go stumbling out into them again in some crazy search to find him, to catch him. To make him come back. But it would be fruitless because finding him when he so obviously doesn't want to be found would be impossible.

And I try to never look in my closet, because in my closet, in a black garbage bag is a wrecked CD player, still streaked with blood from the bloody mess my nails had become after I finished clawing it out of my dashboard.

Some things are still too intense, too painful, too real. Some things I cannot face.

::

The sun is shining today. I tilt my head back, my dark hair is piled up into a messy bun and I close my eyes. I try so hard to feel something, anything at all, but nothing is there. It is just the emptiness that has been sitting inside of me since he left me. The numbness that had laced its way through my brain, freezing the hole inside of my chest where my heart used to be.

And I just wished that I could feel something. Anything.

::

"He's not coming back, you know."

Charlie's voice stopped me as I was about to place my foot on the first step to head up to my room to lock the door and hide under my covers and wait for my nightmares to come. My nothingness.

I turned to face him, still saying nothing.

"Bella, it has been a year. If there was any chance that he was going to come back for you, he would have done it by now. It's time to move on, sweetie. I can't stand to watch you like this." He ran his hands through his hair and I hadn't realized how gray it had gotten.

I didn't open my mouth to speak, I didn't even blink. I turned on my heel and I walked back up to my room and I closed the door and leaned up against it and slid to the floor, where I cried. Where I finally cried.

Because I knew that, I knew that better than anyone. He was not going to come back.

::

There are moments late at night that I can curl up in my bed and I can almost go back to the time that he was mine. The time that we were together, the memories that hold me here, that torture me and revive me all at the same time. Because even if I have nothing now, I had him then. I could wrap my arms around him and feel his cool breath on my face. I could smile at him and see the warmth in his eyes.

There were times on these dark nights when I was hiding inside of my covers, that I wondered where he was at now. I wondered if they had stayed up in Alaska or if perhaps they had found a new place to haunt, maybe in Europe. And foolishly, I sometimes wondered if he ever thought of me

::

Time. It passed steadily and relentlessly. I couldn't decide if I was happy that it kept going on or devastated that I kept getting further away from the time that we had shared together. My memories were getting dimmer. I was starting to realize that he was probably too caught up in his distractions to ever wonder about the girl that he had left behind, bleeding and heartless.

::

Graduation came and went. My mother and Phil flew in to congratulate me. I think that she thought that I missed the look that passed between my father and her, it was worried and frightened. My dad shrugged and kind of nodded while Phil stood behind her, trying to pretend he didn't notice the dark circles under my eyes or how thin I had gotten. But I had graduated with honors and had a couple of decent scholarships, not that I was planning on going anywhere.

"You're not going to college?" My mom had asked me, her eyes wide.

I shook my head, wrapping my arms around myself, looking down. "I don't really want to talk about this right now."

"Well that's too bad." She put her hands on her hips and looked across the kitchen at my father. "Charlie, did you know about this?"

He shrugged. "Renee, things have been kind of complicated around here."

"Just because I'm not going this year doesn't mean I'm not going at all. I just need a… break." I finished lamely. "I've got a job for as long as I want it at Newton's. I can just keep saving up and start applying for places and maybe go next year."

Renee shook her head, incredulous. "This conversation is not over, Bella."

I nodded. "I know."

::

It was late that night when I was coming down the stairs to get a glass of water that I heard them talking. "Charlie, you didn't tell me how bad it was. How bad it still is."

My father paused for a moment before saying, "I think that's because I was in denial about the whole thing. I kept telling myself that it would get better, that she would snap out of it but she hasn't."

I heard my mother sigh and I briefly wondered where Phil was. "Maybe we should get her into some counseling or something. Find someone she can talk to about what's going on with her. Talk her through her loss and everything."

"I tried that, maybe four or five months after _he_ left. I was freaked out because it wasn't like someone had left her but like someone had _died. _But when I brought it up to her she started screaming and told me that I couldn't make her go." Charlie's voice trailed off at the end and I knew he was at a loss at what to do with me. I tried to make myself feel something, some sort of guilt for putting my parents through this but I couldn't. I felt nothing.

::

I was working at Newton's one rainy Saturday in October when Mike came in, pale as a sheet and said the words that changed my life. "They're back."

My lips started to form the words "who" when it sank in and I knew exactly who he was talking about.

Cullens.

::

I went straight home after work and walked steadily and slowly up to my room where I then sat numbly on my bed, wringing my hands together and wondering what to do. It was crazy to think that he was in the same town as me again after more than two years of being gone. I heard my father's footsteps coming quickly up the stairs and I looked up expectantly as he came into the room, looking like he didn't know what to say. He saw my expression and nodded, "You heard?"

"Yes." I answered, my voice surprisingly calm.

"What are you going to do?" He asked, looking at the floor instead of me.

"I don't know."

"Yell if you need anything." He said and shut my door again.

There was a part of me that wanted to get into my old pick-up truck and race as fast as it would let me out to the Cullen's, pound on their door until they let me in but I knew that I couldn't do that. If Edward wanted to find me, he would. But I couldn't see him again and face his rejection again. As much as my heart ached at the knowledge that he was so close, he made it perfectly clear that he didn't love me anymore _It will be as if I never existed._

Except it wasn't.

::

It was two long and sleepless nights before he came to me. I don't know if I had been expecting him but I wasn't really surprised by the time I heard my window creak open and blinked and then there he was. He was beautiful as ever, dressed in a black button up and black pants, his bronze hair perfect. He didn't smile at me and he didn't greet me as we stared at each other for what seemed like forever but could never be long enough.

It had been two long years since I had looked into this face and I realized, startlingly just how much my memory had not done him justice. He was breathtaking. And here I was, in my underwear and an undersized tank-top, my quilt spread over my legs, my face hollow, my body thin and pale. "Bella," he whispered.

I said nothing in return to him, only continued to stare, and wondered if I had finally and truly gone crazy.

::

"What are you doing here?" I finally managed to say, my voice small as I curled my legs under me and pulled the thick, ugly, purple quilt closer to me.

He sat tentatively on the edge of the bed, careful not to touch me. "My family…I…" He murmured before pausing and shaking his head, seeming to gather himself. "We came back."

I felt my heart thump inside of my chest, accelerating, and I realized how long it had been since I had felt and heard it beating. So long. "I don't get it." I said, still not moving.

He nodded and his amber eyes were mournful as he looked at me. "I am sorry, my Bella."

I nodded and suddenly it was too much and I was so, _so _tired. I ran my fingers over my face. "Can you go, please?"

He looked startled as I said this and I saw him starting to get up as I rolled over and pulled the blankets up to my chin, trying to pretend that this was just a dream. But I saw that he wasn't leaving, instead he sat in the rocking chair in the corner of my room. I didn't say anything to him, just closed my eyes and willed sleep to come. And strangely, it was the most peaceful sleep I had gotten in two years. Just knowing that he was there, was enough.

And when I awoke in the morning, he was still there.

::

I slowly sat up and saw Edward still sitting in the rocking chair, looking like he hadn't moved all night. He was still fresh looking, his clothes without a wrinkle, his eyes still steady on me. "Charlie left about an hour ago. He came in to check on you before he left and I had to hide in the closet."

I realized then what was in the closet and felt my heart start to race again. I tried to swallow but found that my throat was dry. He nodded towards the water glass, ice cubes floating inside. "I remembered how thirsty you always are in the morning."

I took a big drink of water and leaned back against my pillows, still studying him. I found that I couldn't say anything because I so utterly didn't know what to say.

"What are you thinking?" He frowned a little as he said this and I knew it bothered him that he had no access to my mind.

I scooted up in bed, being surprisingly unconcerned about my appearance. "I can't believe that you're here."

"I'm sorry that it took me so long." He got up out of the rocking chair and sat on the bed next to me. His hand hovered over my face. "May I?" He asked and when I nodded, he lightly traced his ice cold fingers over my face as I felt myself go dizzy and realized how much I had hungered, had ached, for his touch.

::

"How long are you here?" I asked him as I sat at the kitchen table as he made me breakfast. He had never done this before, he had always watched in disgust while I cooked food for myself and for Charlie. But I watched as he sliced fruit and scrambled eggs, adding peppers and mushrooms and ham. I watched as he flipped French Toast and added it all to a big plate, looking like he was wondering if he was forgetting anything.

"As long as you want me," He answered back as I took my first bite of the fluffiest, most perfect eggs I had ever had in my entire life.

I shook my head and swallowed quickly, the eggs burning my throat a little as they went down because they were so hot. "Don't say that."

He frowned as he knelt down beside me. "Why not?"

I set my fork down and took a deep breath. "Because I've heard that before, and because I know what it feels like to be left by you."

He looked down and for a moment it looked as if he were bowing before me, for what I don't know. An apology, maybe.

::

I let the hot water spread over me as I took deep breaths to try and control my heart rate and to try and keep myself from passing out. I knew Edward was waiting in my bedroom and just the thought of that made me want to sink to the floor and hide. In all of the times that I had imagined him coming back to me, I had never imagined that it would be like this. I had never imagined that I would be cautious and fearful, doubting him and not able to enjoy that he was _here. _

I felt myself start to shake and then everything went black.

::

I awoke with a towel around me and Edward worriedly pressing his cold hands against my face. I opened my eyes and wondered for a second if he was going to faint with relief. "I think you had the shower too hot." He said.

"I think you need to explain this to me."

He nodded and then looked at my body which was barely covered by the tiny towel that was inching its way up my thigh and at my chest. "Yes, but I think we need to get you some more clothes first and we obviously need to start feeding you more. You're skin and bones, Bella."

::

Twenty minutes later I was changed into sweatpants and a sweatshirt with a cup of steaming cocoa in my hands and on my bed again as Edward talked to me. I sipped my cocoa and pulled my damp hair away from my face. "Why did you leave?"

He sighed and stretched out his long legs on the bed in front of him. It was so strange to have him next to me, so strange to see him and know that I could reach out and touch him if I wanted to. "I was afraid of what would happen to you if we stayed. After Jasper snapped at you, I realized that you could be killed at any time by any member of my family. And after James and Victoria in Phoenix, I realized that there would always be someone that would be coming and trying to kill you because of us. I couldn't take that chance anymore."

"But I wasn't safer," I replied. "Victoria and Laurant both came here looking for me. But these big wolves chased them away."

His eyes widened. "But I had Alice looking to see that you were all right."

I shook my head. "I was never all right, Edward."

::

"Where did you go after you left here?" I rested my head on my pillow and looked at Edward who was laying his head on a pillow next to me.

"Alaska," he answered. "For a few months anyways. I left my family then and went to go look for Victoria. I realized how bad I was at tracking when she kept me running in circles around North and South America." He shook his head and looked at me. "Bella, I didn't know what to do when I left here. When I left you. I wandered around and I tried to find things to pull myself away from you. I quit looking for Victoria and found a dump of a shack in the middle of some cattle farm and pretty much locked myself in there for the next six months. I quite simply couldn't face my life without you."

I felt tears falling out of my eyes and I tried so hard to wipe them away quickly, before he could see but of course he saw everything. He reached a cold hand and brushed them gently away from my face. "What did you do without me?" He asked. "Lots of dates?" He asked, his voice light.

I shook my head. "I can't talk about that." I got up from the bed and pulled my hair into a pony tail. "Can we get out of here for a little while? My dad is going to be home soon and I don't know that we are ready to explain…you yet."

He looked at me for a moment longer, his expression unreadable. "I'm sure Esme and Alice would love to see you."

I nodded, reaching for my jacket. I suddenly felt Edward's cold hands on my shoulders and I looked up at him, his face close to mine and incredibly intense. "I'm here, Bella."

"I get that."

He pulled his hands away and reached for his own jacket. "I don't think that you do, Bella."

::

Weeks went by. I went to bed every night fearful that when I awoke, he would not be there. But every morning he was there, smiling at me and kissing my forehead. I would catch him staring at me when he thought that I wasn't paying attention and there was such intensity in his face that I wondered what he must be thinking.

"I hurt you badly." He said to me when evening when we were curled up on his bed watching a movie.

"Yes." I answered. I was trying not to look at him but to focus on the TV instead. I hated talking about the time that he was away from me but there were times that I felt like he needed to talk about it.

"Will you take this?" He handed me a small velvet box. "It's an apology and a promise all at once. I will never leave you again, Bella."

Inside was a diamond on silver band. It wasn't extraordinarily large but the cut was perfect. Not a flaw to be found. "What is this, Edward?"

"Be my wife, Bella."

I stared at him.

::

A plan was made. A wedding was planned. A change was set to happen in the weeks after the wedding and I looked towards each day anxiously, waiting for it to be done with so I could finally have what I wanted. I would have given him anything to have him change me. A ring and a wedding really weren't too much.

"Do you believe me now?" He asked on that day, his cold fingers sliding across the silk of my dress and pulling me closer. "Do you believe that I'll never leave?"

I looked up into his amber eyes, reached up and kissed his cold lips. "Yes."

He sighed a little into my hair, kissed my neck, biting just a little. I pulled myself closer to him, anxious to be alone with him.

Happiness had found its way back to me. To us.

::


End file.
